GenBetween

Mom’s Walk in Closet

It is back to the normal routine today. We have had our holiday vacation, and since we all do better with some sort of schedule, today could not have come any sooner.

Mom is already up. I can hear her organizing her closet. You know how a bird does better with something to occupy itself? Well, the smartest thing to have happened here, is mom having the only room with a walk in closet. She constantly reorganizes it, and fills it with all sorts of things that hold meaning to her.

She has managed to accumulate a candystore’s quantity of chocolate: Reeses PB cups and spearmint lifesavers. Boxes and bags of these two things, are neatly stacked in what I refer to as the grocery section. She also has a bedding section, a dog section(although that evil dog doesn’t deserve the hundreds of dollars worth of high-end dog stuff stored there), a household repair section, filled with screws/bolts, nails, tacky glue and a delicate woman’s hammer, which she likes to use on door jams and such. Of course, she has her trusty piece of 2X4, that she puts between the hammer and the jam, just to protect it from damage, of course. She also has an impressive office supply section in the closet. If you need tape of any sort, paper, staples or batteries, she is the go-to guy.

There are no clothes in the closet though. She says that hanging up clothes would block her access to everything.

Of course, I am putting a humorous spin on the closet idea. The truth is, I think it is her need for control of something, that makes her a pack rat. She is the neatest, most organized pack rat in the world, but nonetheless, she has a lot of stuff that no one else can touch and  she can rearrange according to her needs for the day.

I try to remember these issues as we start up another week of stress and anxiety together.

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments

Not a Good Day - Any Tips?

I realize that we all have them, but I am gritting my teeth and my jaw aches. Seriously, it is my stuff for the most part. I have to not worry so much about what my mom says and remember that she probably doesn’t realize how mean and cruel it sounds?

Now that I said the PC thing, let’s take the gloves off and get real. I think that the hardest part of this job as caregiver/mother is running interference between the children and mom. It makes the smallest tasks, take on gargantuan purportions. Instead of sitting down for a casual - grocery day - dinner of cold cuts, chips and whatever fruit we bought that day, with mom, it is a formal affair, with full silverware, placemats and perfect behavior. Remember, I have 4 boys. Perfect behavior is no throwing food, yelling and don’t fall out of your chair while you are eating. We have not attained her level of perfect in the 8 or so months that she has been here.

Do you have any tips for smoothing the relationship between a short tempered grandmother and young, rambunctious boys? I am all ears.

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments

Our First Brush With Illness

There seems to be a vague but bad illness going through our family. There is high fever (103+) and a slightly sick stomach, lethargy for about 24 - 36 hours, then it is over.

I do not want mom to experience this. This is my first major illness to try to keep her from getting. She primarily sits at command center (AKA, the kitchen table), so she can observe the house, making it seemingly easy to avoid anyone spreading their germs to her. We are not quite sure what we are dealing with, so it is hard to figure out a game plan to keep her healthy.

We wash hands, sanitize in the dishwasher, wipe doorknobs and handles. Am I missing anything? What strategies do you use, if any, to try and keep the kid’s illnesses from making your elderly parent ill.

Thank you for sharing!

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments

Still Riding The Wave of Holiday Bliss

Our company is now back home, on the east coast, the tree is ready to come down, and things are returning to pre-holiday normal. I am noticing that mom seems much calmer though. I wonder if it is just the after effects of the holiday week with so many in the house. I rationalize it by thinking that she feels like there is less noise and commotion with only 7 in the house, instead of 11.

I hope to ride the wave of peace, no matter how temparary it is.

In other news, mom’s house in Arizona has not sold yet, and she heard from a neighbor that a recent storm had blown down the For Sale sign. This turned into a discussion about how she wished that she had never left the house down there. Apparently, she feels that it will sell better with someone living in it, than sitting empty. You can not argue with her there. There is a neighbor’s grown son who wants to rent it out. He is not willing to do a monthly lease, and wants a year long one.

I agree that a year’s lease is a good idea. He is a nice guy, knows mom well, his mother would be his neighbor(his mother is mom’s friend), and he is in his 50’s for goodness sakes. My husband is against the idea, and thinks that the housing market will suddenly bounce back before a year’s time so doesn’t want mom to be tied into waiting a year.

I think this is bunk. Even if the housing market did rebound ( doubtful), it would be good for mom to see that income again. She feels a lot of anxiety with the losses she has suffered financially in the stock market horrorshow. Although she no longer has bills, she still micromanages every penny, as if a pauper. This is how her and dad lived their whole lives. It is sad that she goes without, in order to save for….Well, what exactly, I don’t know, but it is of utmost importance to her. I believe this stems from the control issue.

So, that is all I have to share tonight. We are about to go down and have non alcoholic sparkling cider and chips. Hopefully mom can stay awake until the new year! Happy holidays everyone. I look forward to 2009, as the Genbetween blogger.

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments

Nursing Home Insight

I wanted to get a little more serious with  you, for this post. I recently answered a comment about what to do with a difficult situation between a father with Alzheimer’s, and his caregiver daughter. This reminded me of my time working in a nursing home. Because I am a sturdy, 6 foot tall woman, I was delegated to the third floor: The Alzheimer’s patients and hip replacement floor.

Working with these patients was a lesson in remaining calm, not losing focus on the task at hand, and how to treat someone with dignity, who may not even be treating themselves that way.

I wanted to talk a little about why it is so important for me to keep my mother in law home with us. From my time in that nursing home ( a well to do place, with a full staff), I learned that what the visiting family did not see was of utmost importance. No matter how hard you worked to get your list of residents up and ready for the day, the ones who were expecting visitors got first priority and all the extra hands on care that they needed, to get ready for their outsider’s inspection.

Daily, there were moments that were *Not to be mentioned*, when the family was around. It was not that things were so horrific, it was just that the residents were not treated with any amount of dignity, unless someone’s eyes were on the staff. The excuse was that that State Regulations were so difficult to follow and there was a minimum time that everyone had to be up, fed, dressed and in their Gerry chairs. This number was mysteriously always higher than humanly possible, yet there seemed to be plenty of time to get both 15 minute breaks before lunch, and plenty of time for the employees to become friendly with one another.

I remember a poignent moment, when I was looking at a stamp collection that one of my assigned residents wanted me to see. He was laboriously trying to recall a tidbit about each page of stamps, and I was listening to him while perched on the side of his bed. The head nurse came into the room and blasted me for spending too much time with one person. I was not behind or lax in my duties, I was simply not following protocal, and acting as if I was caring for a person, and not a name to be ticked off of my list for the day.

That is the one thing which drove me out of that field of work. I wanted to be involved in my list of resident’s care on a deeper level. I wanted to care FOR them, not just take care OF them. I was by no means the only one who felt that way. The high turnover rate was more often due to a variation of the discouragement I felt.

I want my mother to be able to give me hell. It is an important (yet taxing) part of her care. Yes, there are times when I feel overwhelmed and angry. I also get frustrated on a daily basis. Although these feelings are not especially nice, I am reassured that they are well cushioned by the love I feel for her.

No one said that the most important jobs were going to be easy. Give yourselves a hug today. All the caregivers need to remind themselves of why they choose to do the work themselves. Thanks for listening!

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments

The Importance of Communication

I am reminded of how important my mother’s comfort level is when trying to organize an outing with her. She truly needs to be told what to do, down to the last detail. I am not of that mind, and it is hard for me not to feel uncomfortable when giving her direct orders.

The point I am trying to make, stems from tonight. We are getting ready to go to the doctor’s office for that remaining stitch to be removed. Mom wanted to know what time we were going to leave. I told her that we needed to be there at 9 am. Later she asked me what time we were going to leave. I again said we had to be down there by 9 am. After this happened three or four times, I realized that she actually needed a specific time that I expected her to be in the car. To the minute thankyouverymuch. Once I figured that out: “Please be ready to leave at 8:25 am, so we can be at the doctor’s office by 9 am”, mom visibly relaxed.

The problem isn’t mom’s, it is mine. My nature is to give someone the list of things that need to happen; like be somewhere by a certain time. Then when all is said and done, things are finished. Although that sounds lame, it has worked for 14 years of parenting. I need to retrain myself to be much more specific and detailed.

Mom once again, is teaching me to be a better organizer. We never stop learning from our parents - even if they don’t know that they are teaching us .

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 2 comments

Back To The Doctors

The doctor missed a stitch the other day, and it has to come out. Mom is upset that it will be taking up a large portion of my morning to bring her in for removal. She insists that I should just pull it out with a pair of tweezers. Now, I have taken out many stitches over the years: My dogs, myself and my children have all been worked over by Dr. Mom. For some reason, I am extremely squeamish about removing a stitch on my elderly mother in law’s face. Too delicate, too sensitive an area, and I can still see the results of the original surgery in my mind. No way do I want to mess with that.

I assure her that I can combine a multitude of chores that morning - all involving a trip to town. She will not rest until I have proven that I can assure her that the visit to the doctor will be a part of, and not the reason for, the drive.

I do appreciate the concern, although it can get a wee bit irritating. I think I chafe under the mothering sometimes.

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments

Our First Sandwich Generation Christmas

This is our first Christmas with Grandma here. Years ago, when there were only two small children, we all gathered at Grandma’s house to open some presents. The kids were small enough that they simply sat there in awe, as they received presents in an orderly fashion. That seemed to work out well. Grandma and Grandpa were pleased to have such well behaved kids, and everyone managed to live through the whole day. Notrealnotrealnotreal.

Now there are three times as many children, they are all older and much louder, and Grandpa is no longer here. Grandma doesn’t even want to celebrate, and everyone is on high alert for trouble.

We managed to make it though the cloud of wrapping paper, overly tired babies and all the fun that goes along with chaotic Christmas morning.

Grandma managed to get through it by picking up wrapping paper, and of course, making coffee. The children are going outside to play with some toys, the men are asleep, and all the wrapping paper is tucked away in a box. Other than the dinner that awaits, we managed the first Christmas as a sandwich family, just fine.

I look forward to hearing how everyone else fared. Thanks for sharing your comments! I am feeling very welcome.

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments

Watching Babies - Just For Fun

I neglected to hit send yesterday, so today will have two entries. Happy holidays, everyone!

Mom and I are watching both of the babies this morning. The older kids have gone to lunch with the adult brother, and the two babies are going to stay home with grandma. Now, my youngest, is the uncle to their youngest. A 21 month old uncle, to an 11 month old niece. Isn’t that fun?

I have to say, not one thing can escape her eagle eye. She watches that tiny baby, only 1 step away at all times. It is great to see grandma following along behind the baby, trying to keep her out of all of the imaginary dangers that might arise. You see, grandma worries about things that have such a small chance of happening, a meteor might hit the roof before the lamp will fall off the table because the infant crawled past. If it did, however, grandma would be right there to catch the lamp.

I think she would go into her room for a quite reprieve, if it wasn’t full of bags of presents.

Christmas with a house full of children is hard on grandma/mom. I hope she manages to enjoy herself tomorrow.

Fingers crossed.

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments

Simple Christmas Gifts

This year is my mother’s first without her husband. Therefore, it is important to keep her spirits uplifted, and not let her focus too much on the loss of him. Gift giving has always been tricky for her. She is not comfortable with a lot of knick knack items, and she is famous for storing away gifts, instead of using them. I wanted to give you an idea of the things I bought for her, along with a list of 5 great simple Christmas gifts for that special elderly person in your life.

My gifts are:

• A mug with her dog’s photo on it. I had this done online, through Walmart.com.
• A 12 pack of the best cream soda in the world - Jones soda, in case you are wondering.
• A stationary set - I did give this to her early.
• A wonderfully soft and warm fleece vest from Cabelas. She wears the same one every day, and now she will have a second one to switch things up a bit. This gift will require some convincing. She will say she doesn’t need it, and I will have to assure her that no one will go without if she accepts it. The clincher will be the idea that both vests will receive less wear and tear, if she switches them once in a while.

I had to stop there, I do not believe that mom would allow more than those gifts, within her comfort level. She is also receiving some great photos of all the grandkids along with whatever her grandson and his family brought with them. I think she will be pleased.

In my opinion, here are 5 simple Christmas gifts that will be well appreciated and fairly benign, as far as causing too much emotional turmoil.

• Photo mug - Easy to order from any department store, such as Target or Wal mart. These can be made with a familiar photo on them, or a surprise photo, taken just for this purpose.
• Favorite snack item - A case of soda will please mom, allow her a simple pleasure once in a while, and last far past the holiday. If you buy something that you know they covet, but wont splurge on for themselves, all the better.
• Something warm and soft - In my case, I chose a vest for indoor wearing. She has pretty specific rules about slippers(do NOT buy fuzzy slippers for elderly people! They are far to unstable and slick), I couldn’t find the specific style slipper she would wear in my area either.
• Something useful - A place to organize their dresser tops, A mug pouch, that hangs on a coffee cup and has little pockets all over it for pens, etc. A hanging pocket for the recliner, that holds a magazine, tv remote and other accoutrement. This is a great way for them to keep their specific personal needs close by, and they look nice too.
• A specialty item - Mom enjoys reading about 3 authors. She makes it a point to read everything as soon as it comes out, too. I found a book by one of her favorites, fresh off the presses. She couldn’t have possibly read it yet, and its sitting under the tree for her right now!

I think that the key to gift giving for anyone, is to find just the right thing to gift. I hope that these ideas will come in handy for your special elderly person.

Share This

By Amy Jeanroy -- 0 comments